Anger

My Approach to Anger

When clients come to me struggling with anger, their immediate goal is almost always to manage, control, or completely eliminate it. They see it as a destructive enemy—and for good reason. Anger can be terrifying. Because we tend to reserve our fiercest rage for those we love the deepest, it can leave in its wake profound relational harm, followed closely by a heavy burden of shame. 

In a season of my own life when my anger was at its most intense, I felt as though there was a volatile volcano inside me, ready to burst at the smallest trigger. I hated myself for the ways my outbursts hurt my wife and kids, yet I felt utterly powerless to stop it. I had no idea where the intensity was coming from, let alone how to safely contain it.

Through my own therapeutic journey, I eventually learned how to move through the worst of my anger without causing harm. First, I stopped trying to just will it away. Instead, I went deeper to discover the root causes, processing the underlying experiences of pain and profound disappointments that were fueling the fire. When I was able to address those wounds at their source, it was like safely lifting the cover off a pressurized pot of steam. The water stopped boiling and the constant threat of an explosion faded away.

Anger is not a character flaw. It’s an indication that there’s something inside of us we need to pay attention to. 

There are three things in this life that have the power to tell you exactly what matters most to you: what makes you laugh, what makes you cry, and what makes you angry. When we strip away the physical tension and the urge for violent reaction, anger reveals itself as a fierce form of compassion. It is an internal, living flame that illuminates what you belong to, what you are desperate to protect, and what matters to you so deeply that you are willing to risk yourself for it.

Your anger holds the precise keys to what is currently not working in your life, showing you exactly where you need to shift your focus. In our work together, we won’t try to shame your anger into silence. We will honor the care and the protective instinct underneath it, processing the pain at its root so that you can release the destructive pressure and transform your anger into a righteous passion grounded in justice, compassion, and love.